There's Nothing Else to do I Guess

Today was horrible.
I was rejected for making something of myself.
Found out I was being lied to.
Drove hundreds of miles to find this out.
Then had issues with my truck.
Im craving cigarettes..ew.
Lovely day...


But, I found out I have a few more options for my future.
I found out the truth.
I had a learning experience.
A stranger was super nice and helped me out.
I had oreos.
And peanut butter and honey on toast.
Lovely day...

Ungrateful.

Why do we spend our entire lives searching for the "one" ?
We go through so much pain and heartache finding said one and sometimes still don't find them. Why do we do this to ourselves? Being in love is the greatest feeling. Having someone love you and hold you and make you happy everyday is amazing. If only it worked out that way all the time.
And what's with people that cheat? Why bother? If I'm putting the effort into a relationship I'm not going to do something to ruin it. If I want to just screw around that's what I'll do. I just don't see the point. Mistreating your significant other doesn't make sense either. Having someone be there for you should make you show them everyday why you appreciate them not what you don't like. Honor the things they do good rather than criticize the things they mess up on. No one is perfect.
When someone tries to apologize and they truly mean it, let them. Don't push them away. Especially if you're thousands of miles apart and may never see them again. You have something beautiful that I'm sad to admit I'm a little jealous over. Not the person, just the situation. Having someone to care for you so much...I want that so bad. Cherish what you have. Never take it for granted.

Music is the Making for a Good Night.

I haven't really had time to post anything lately. Seems like all I do is sleep, go to work, come home, sleep again. Last night was a little different. Due to several mishaps since I turned 18, I'm homeless..but, my friend saved me a month and a half ago. She opened her home to me. When I got home last night she was listening to a song. I didn't know it but I knew I liked it. This led to a 4 hour spree of downloading and trading songs. Best. Night. Ever.
I now have almost 150 new songs and a list still waiting to be heard.


I was born to tell you I love you
Isn't that a song already
I get a B in originality
And it's true I cant go on without you
Your smile makes me see clear
If you could only see in the mirror what I see
Secondhand Serenade- Vunerable

Thunder.

Today in the blink of an eye I'm holding on to something and I don't know why I tried

That line sums it up.  I keep trying to come up with something to say. It's storming. I hear the thunder and thought of this song. It's perfect. I usually guard my heart. I let someone in. I started to fall and didn't even try to catch myself.

I do this every time. Why?
I've been thinking about it all day. Why do I continue to do the same things over and over when It only gets me hurt?
My family never really acted like a family. I haven't really had anyone there for me constantly. It's kind of pathetic. I should be able to just go to God with things and ease my mind. It just doesn't work that way. It does but I crave so much more. I want arms around me that care. Family member, friend, significant other....I just want to know that someone is there. And I don't. I never have. Friends say they'll always be there. Sometimes they just can't though. I understand it completely. It stills leaves me alone. Family can always be there if they are close..well..maybe most families. The one time I tried to confide in my mother makes for a horror story. So cross that one out. Significant others..If I had one it would be nice to have them there for you. Relying on someone that might not be there the next day isn't smart. Maybe once you've found the person you want to be with the rest of your life, but not now.
 So where does this leave me? I'm alone with no where to go. I am breaking down. The things we want most are the things we don't have. Most people forget the value of what they wanted once they obtain it. I don't. It becomes more valuable because I have it. I have never really had anything. I know to cherish what I care about and what I would like to keep. So I try to. I start to fall for someone and blindly let them lead me until they throw me away.  Then I try to fight to keep them. Because I care. I care more about them than myself. Maybe. Or maybe I care about having someone more. I really don't know. I just know I throw away myself to try to make things work. I want to keep the one I care about happy. I apologize for their mistakes just to end the fighting. I want to be loved so bad it just ends up hurting me. I need to get over myself. Grow up. 

Let's be real.

A friend posted a question asking what life would be like without emotions. This led to an interesting conversation. How would life be? Emotions control so many aspects of our lives. We continue to do things that make us happy and cut-off the ones that make us sad. Most of the time. We do things that make us feel good, even when we know we shouldn't. If we didn't have emotions to guide us we would lead our lives based on the facts and whats best for us. The best decision isn't always the happiest.
In a relationship situation...When you know that the other person is just going to hurt you but you cant let go because you care too much. You love them enough to put yourself through the pain because it means more time with them. Or maybe just because you think they really will pull through. If you care so deeply, something will come of it right? Doubtful. We can look at others and tell when someone is about to be hurt and know the logical, safest route for them is to change it. We don't think like this when it's happening to us though. At least not at first.
What if we look at something that would change quality of life? What if you have nothing but your friends? Home life is bad, family isn't really a family. Maybe you don't even have a home. Say you have an amazing opportunity to go to a high ranking college far away, or a job offer that would change everything. Taking the offer or going to the school means giving up everything you know. Do you go? If you do you leave behind the few who care. You will be alone. You will make more money. You will have a better education. You won't have anything yet will receive so much.  The things you will lose mean too much to you, you love them too much to ever leave. Not if you had no emotions. It wouldn't matter. You would just think about how going away was the best option.
What all is considered emotions? Love, happiness, sadness, anger, jealousy. Are we better off without these? Maybe. What would be the point in life if we couldn't be happy from time to time. Why would we work for something? If it wouldn't make us happy, if it wouldn't satisfy us? Would we do anything at all?

Why me?

This is my first blog..ever.
I stumbled onto this website and said why not? First time for everything right?
I usually don't tell people about the things I think about. I don't want to be judged. Always nice to get it out though.


I've always sat and just thought. Since I was little. I think about everything. Crazy, random off the wall, everything. I usually don't finish thoughts. Everything branches off into other subjects and I just create a massive web of beginnings that I'll prolly never find the end to.
I believe in God. I believe he has a plan for all of us. I've always been amazed at the fact that he chose this life, this body, this point of view for me to follow.
Why me? Out of the billions of people in the world, my soul is in this body. I see things so differently than most people. I've been through a lot like most people.
I've been very unfortunate, but at the same time extremely fortunate to always find a way out.
I can go through anything and find something good about it. I find some reason to make myself appear happy until I am. I fight for my happy until I earn it. Then I appreciate it that much more.
When I was younger I went through a phase where I thought God didn't exist. How could he let such things happen to me if he did. I prayed and prayed for him to help me, to save me, get me away from the pain.
Sometimes unanswered prayers are the best.
I grew up. I realized I needed to pray for the strength to get through not for my struggles to end. I needed patience.
I got what I needed. Now I know how to make the best of everything. No matter how bad it gets.