Thunder.

Today in the blink of an eye I'm holding on to something and I don't know why I tried

That line sums it up.  I keep trying to come up with something to say. It's storming. I hear the thunder and thought of this song. It's perfect. I usually guard my heart. I let someone in. I started to fall and didn't even try to catch myself.

I do this every time. Why?
I've been thinking about it all day. Why do I continue to do the same things over and over when It only gets me hurt?
My family never really acted like a family. I haven't really had anyone there for me constantly. It's kind of pathetic. I should be able to just go to God with things and ease my mind. It just doesn't work that way. It does but I crave so much more. I want arms around me that care. Family member, friend, significant other....I just want to know that someone is there. And I don't. I never have. Friends say they'll always be there. Sometimes they just can't though. I understand it completely. It stills leaves me alone. Family can always be there if they are close..well..maybe most families. The one time I tried to confide in my mother makes for a horror story. So cross that one out. Significant others..If I had one it would be nice to have them there for you. Relying on someone that might not be there the next day isn't smart. Maybe once you've found the person you want to be with the rest of your life, but not now.
 So where does this leave me? I'm alone with no where to go. I am breaking down. The things we want most are the things we don't have. Most people forget the value of what they wanted once they obtain it. I don't. It becomes more valuable because I have it. I have never really had anything. I know to cherish what I care about and what I would like to keep. So I try to. I start to fall for someone and blindly let them lead me until they throw me away.  Then I try to fight to keep them. Because I care. I care more about them than myself. Maybe. Or maybe I care about having someone more. I really don't know. I just know I throw away myself to try to make things work. I want to keep the one I care about happy. I apologize for their mistakes just to end the fighting. I want to be loved so bad it just ends up hurting me. I need to get over myself. Grow up.